http://www.smudailycampus.com/media/storage/paper949/news/2007/01/26/TheMix/The-Truth.As.I.See.It-2679551.shtml
I wish my car had a sidewinder missile under the hood so I could blow people up and kill them. Every day, at least once, someone does something intentionally that makes me wish they would spin out and flip off of a bridge at high speed. If you are at a state of inner calm or find peace and love in all things, stop reading now.
Cars have turn signals. I think they forget to mention this because in my six years of driving I've only seen about two people ever make proper use of them. Just so we are quite clear, here's the proper way to signal a turn. Prior to evasive action, vehicles are expected to make some clear statement of intentions. Be it a blinking light or a flip of the bird, I like to know when the sixty mile an hour block of steel next to me is about to do something so I can prepare. As it stands, it's more like "what is THIS jerk doing" and before you know it here comes a Subaru like it's Hulk Hogan.
Subaru drivers are the worst. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw a Subaru and thought, "Oh good, a Subaru." They do horribly stupid things. I get them merging out of open lanes, swerving into closed ones, turning left on red, and just generally acting like two Hell's Angel's fused into one single machine. I can't repeat my actual response to the average Subaru, but it goes like this. "Forgive my sins lord, for I am soon to die."
Subaru does not let me down.
Of course, when you do signal, everyone around you has a reptilian territorial relapse and becomes determined to keep you from moving. That blinker goes on and suddenly Dale Earndhardt himself is on one side with six clones of the number three car all around you. Ricky Bobby boxes you in and hell on wheels next to you matches your speed fast or slow to keep you from exiting. The only way to change lanes is by means of ambush. I still signal, and if you try and keep me out, I break check so hard you'll switch on your windshield wipers. I have done this for years and the one time I did it to a Cop, he let me off. I was not drunk.
Turning left. Sounds easy, doesn't it. The little green arrow gives you absolute right of way to enter the intersection and proceed not to the right or straight, but left or maybe a U-Turn. Just once in my life, I'd like to see every car move in a steady manner through the light and leftwards, instead of slowing down, speeding up, or God help them, waving someone else to turn right.
'Polite' drivers need the kind of wreck that sends your ear through the steering column. They are just as bad as the rude ones who cut you off for no reason or continue down a lane which clearly ends until they 'suddenly realize' the reason it's empty and then signal to get over and stop causing a problem. I am a 'timing driver' and tend to make my calculations just so that I can get through a weave of cars safely by coming in right behind one so the others have at least 30 feet before they need to worry about me coming through their windshield. So when you are heading down the road at 30 miles an hour in heavy traffic and see someone turning off onto a small side street, don't slam on your breaks and wave me forward. Everyone behind 'Mr. Polite' has to slow down swerve around and scream mortal sin.
I'm going to stop now, and stereotype the bad drivers of Dallas.
Mr. Extreme:
Mr. Extreme owns the road and you do not have his permission to be on it. Mr. Extreme will do what he likes when he likes and you are welcome to cooperate or die. Mr. Extreme is in a hurry so he travels under the speed limit in the fast lane, but if you dare try and pass him Mr. Extreme will slam home the accelerator and match you point for point until your transmission gives out. Mr. Extreme never signals and ignores stop signs. Mr. Extreme uses his horn to signal what you should do next, as well as what he ate for breakfast.
Captain Passive:
Captain Passive keeps his head down and doesn't cause problems. Captain Passive will never cut you off and certainly won't ever keep you out of his lane. In fact, if you want to get into his lane the good Captain will slow down and come to a complete stop until you are well between the white lines and heading safely away. Should Captain Passive wish to merge, he will slow down and come to a complete stop until the prescribed 15 car-length opening shows up so he can dodge in gracefully and take off. Captain Passive listens to Enya when he is happy and REO Speedwagon when someone works his blood up.
"Oops:"
Oops knows exactly what he did. He's the guy who rolls out into a crowded intersection when the light is already red and then lifts his hands helplessly when perpendicular traffic can no longer get through. When the 'red left lane turn three second bonanza' rule has already expired, Oops will accidentally roll on through and cause total mayhem 'completely by accident.'
The Driver You Wish Everyone Was:
It's Central Expressway and you are close behind another car. Out of nowhere a Civic jolts over and sandwiches between you and the Expedition ahead. He is so close your bumpers are almost touching. Civic continues over into the next lane and then like a flash disappears into the distance. You are shaken, but can tell TDYWEW knew he could make it, and that's why he didn't ever touch the breaks once. He also signaled.
Can you believe this guy?! I already wrote a letter to the editor which she will hopefully publish and I also wrote a comment which they will hopefully accept.
:tdown:
Feel free to harrass him!!
I wish my car had a sidewinder missile under the hood so I could blow people up and kill them. Every day, at least once, someone does something intentionally that makes me wish they would spin out and flip off of a bridge at high speed. If you are at a state of inner calm or find peace and love in all things, stop reading now.
Cars have turn signals. I think they forget to mention this because in my six years of driving I've only seen about two people ever make proper use of them. Just so we are quite clear, here's the proper way to signal a turn. Prior to evasive action, vehicles are expected to make some clear statement of intentions. Be it a blinking light or a flip of the bird, I like to know when the sixty mile an hour block of steel next to me is about to do something so I can prepare. As it stands, it's more like "what is THIS jerk doing" and before you know it here comes a Subaru like it's Hulk Hogan.
Subaru drivers are the worst. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw a Subaru and thought, "Oh good, a Subaru." They do horribly stupid things. I get them merging out of open lanes, swerving into closed ones, turning left on red, and just generally acting like two Hell's Angel's fused into one single machine. I can't repeat my actual response to the average Subaru, but it goes like this. "Forgive my sins lord, for I am soon to die."
Subaru does not let me down.
Of course, when you do signal, everyone around you has a reptilian territorial relapse and becomes determined to keep you from moving. That blinker goes on and suddenly Dale Earndhardt himself is on one side with six clones of the number three car all around you. Ricky Bobby boxes you in and hell on wheels next to you matches your speed fast or slow to keep you from exiting. The only way to change lanes is by means of ambush. I still signal, and if you try and keep me out, I break check so hard you'll switch on your windshield wipers. I have done this for years and the one time I did it to a Cop, he let me off. I was not drunk.
Turning left. Sounds easy, doesn't it. The little green arrow gives you absolute right of way to enter the intersection and proceed not to the right or straight, but left or maybe a U-Turn. Just once in my life, I'd like to see every car move in a steady manner through the light and leftwards, instead of slowing down, speeding up, or God help them, waving someone else to turn right.
'Polite' drivers need the kind of wreck that sends your ear through the steering column. They are just as bad as the rude ones who cut you off for no reason or continue down a lane which clearly ends until they 'suddenly realize' the reason it's empty and then signal to get over and stop causing a problem. I am a 'timing driver' and tend to make my calculations just so that I can get through a weave of cars safely by coming in right behind one so the others have at least 30 feet before they need to worry about me coming through their windshield. So when you are heading down the road at 30 miles an hour in heavy traffic and see someone turning off onto a small side street, don't slam on your breaks and wave me forward. Everyone behind 'Mr. Polite' has to slow down swerve around and scream mortal sin.
I'm going to stop now, and stereotype the bad drivers of Dallas.
Mr. Extreme:
Mr. Extreme owns the road and you do not have his permission to be on it. Mr. Extreme will do what he likes when he likes and you are welcome to cooperate or die. Mr. Extreme is in a hurry so he travels under the speed limit in the fast lane, but if you dare try and pass him Mr. Extreme will slam home the accelerator and match you point for point until your transmission gives out. Mr. Extreme never signals and ignores stop signs. Mr. Extreme uses his horn to signal what you should do next, as well as what he ate for breakfast.
Captain Passive:
Captain Passive keeps his head down and doesn't cause problems. Captain Passive will never cut you off and certainly won't ever keep you out of his lane. In fact, if you want to get into his lane the good Captain will slow down and come to a complete stop until you are well between the white lines and heading safely away. Should Captain Passive wish to merge, he will slow down and come to a complete stop until the prescribed 15 car-length opening shows up so he can dodge in gracefully and take off. Captain Passive listens to Enya when he is happy and REO Speedwagon when someone works his blood up.
"Oops:"
Oops knows exactly what he did. He's the guy who rolls out into a crowded intersection when the light is already red and then lifts his hands helplessly when perpendicular traffic can no longer get through. When the 'red left lane turn three second bonanza' rule has already expired, Oops will accidentally roll on through and cause total mayhem 'completely by accident.'
The Driver You Wish Everyone Was:
It's Central Expressway and you are close behind another car. Out of nowhere a Civic jolts over and sandwiches between you and the Expedition ahead. He is so close your bumpers are almost touching. Civic continues over into the next lane and then like a flash disappears into the distance. You are shaken, but can tell TDYWEW knew he could make it, and that's why he didn't ever touch the breaks once. He also signaled.
Can you believe this guy?! I already wrote a letter to the editor which she will hopefully publish and I also wrote a comment which they will hopefully accept.
:tdown: Feel free to harrass him!!
